Showing posts with label desert. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desert. Show all posts

Friday, January 08, 2016

desert, cactus, and crazy trees

from san diego we headed straight out of town and into the desert. it was kind of remarkable how fast the landscape changed - suddenly we were surrounded by rolling hills and shrubs. i suppose it shouldn't have been that surprising, given that san diego is probably pretty dry anyway. after about a half an hour we stopped at a little produce stand on the side of the road where we got some fruit and delicious homemade jerky. the woman there asked if we were headed to julian. it was on our route but not something we'd planned as a stop. she recommended the 'good' pie shop to go to - not that other one that's always full of tourists. maybe she piqued our curiosity - for whatever reason we did decide to stop in julian. maybe it's like this every weekend, or maybe it's a day after christmas thing.. but it seemed like all of san diego was there with their family. we ended up having to double back and park several blocks up on a residential street so we had a bit of a walk to the main drag (and i don't know if i mentioned it but it was cold!). we walked the street with its souvenir shops and pie stands (yes there were several). by the time we left my mom had acquired a suitable fleece (it was colder than she had anticipated when packing) and some apple pie for later. my one critique was the public bathrooms - pretty appalling conditions (and let me tell you, i've peed in some rundown places), freezing cold, plus you had to pay for them!

cactus = desert
not long after we left julian it started to look more like a desert. and by that i suppose i mean there were cacti and other scrubby brush dotting the landscape. after about 45 minutes or so we made it to the town of borrego springs, which (except for not being on route 66) seemed oddly reminiscent of 'radiator springs' in the movie cars. at this point it was past 2 and figured we'd better stop for a late lunch. we settled for the red ocotillo (a large plant that somewhat resembles a cactus, we later learned) where we had a decent meal and read the trivial pursuit cards that were out on the table. from here we made a hasty exit to go to the anza-borrego desert so we could get in a hike before it started to get dark. our impetus for stopping in anza-borrego was mainly that it was a point of interest on the way from san diego to joshua tree. (our initial plan had been to go straight to joshua tree and all the way up to sequoia but december proved to be a bad time of year to hike up there, with lots of roads and trails closed.)

vegetation variation
we made it to the desert/state park, passing along the way the oft-photographed metal sculptures of dinosaurs, horses, and other creatures that dot the roadside. after a quick trip to the visitors center and a chat with the ranger we settled on a 3-mile hike whose trail started just a little ways up the road. towards the beginning of our hike we noticed a little hummingbird flitting in and out of a bush. that ended up being the only fauna we saw on our hike, in spite of promises that sometimes mountain goats could be seen upon the hillsides. on the first stretch of the hike we mostly saw a mix of fuzzy-looking cactus and dried out scrub. occasionally we saw a felled ocotillo, dead but with mesmerizing colors and patterns in its bark. before long we entered something of a canyon, and followed the path alongside a trickle of a stream. the vegetation was slightly different at this point - no more "fuzzy" cactus, for instance. it's amazing how quickly the plants change from one area to the next.
sun glows on the little stream
at one point my mom thought she might be slowing me down and opted to wait on a rock so that i could finish the hike and we could get back before it got dark. i made it to the end of the hike, which ended in a small grove of california fan palms (apparently very rare in the wild), the very top of which were glowing with the last bit of the day's sunlight. i turned around and headed back, walking a bit quicker now to rejoin my mother. in fact i walked so quickly that i almost took the alternate trail back. luckily i noticed my mistake quickly, but only because i saw a type of cactus that i hadn't noticed on this part of the trail. aren't deserts amazing? all in all the hike wasn't spectacular and the desert itself perhaps wasn't all that picturesque but it was an interesting study in desert biology.

sundown, dunes
from the parking lot it was quickly out of the park and on the road so we could get as much of the drive behind us before it was totally dark. my mother isn't fond of driving in the dark and i don't like it much either. we drove past a few interesting sand dunes as the sun was going down. we hopped out of the car to take a few pictures - but not for long because it was windy and it was getting cold. we were happy to be in a warm car. we drove on as the sun went down, not far from the salton sea (although we never did get a glimpse of it). after 30 or 40 minutes we made it to indio, our destination for the night, chosen only for its proximity to joshua tree and its quantity of hotels. we rested a bit after getting into our room (also to kill time before dinner - it gets dark so early and we don't quite want to eat dinner at 6pm). we weighed our options, what few there were, and ended up settling for a filipino place that also served cheesesteaks and fries. we'd never had filipino food before but decided to try the lechon kawali (crispy fried pork) and tapsilog (seasoned beef). both were flavorful but fairly oily and the pork was rather fatty. that, along with the white rice, fried egg and lack of vegetables, made for a fairly unhealthy, if tasty, meal. by then it was probably about 7.30 but, there being little else to do, we made it an early night. as most people traveling through the desert do, i imagine.

cholla!
the next morning we were up fairly early. from the hotel window at breakfast we could see some hot air balloon rising over the mountains across the freeway. we made our way straight to joshua tree, a destination i'd been looking forward to, having seen so many photos of the distinctive trees and beautiful sunsets. some of my mothers' friends characterized it as the armpit of national parks, which seemed a tad unkind. my hopes were a bit higher. we entered the park through the south entrance, my mother getting in free thanks to her national park senior pass (does everyone know about this senior pass? it's amazing - and only $10). after a quick trip to the visitors' center we continued on the road, generally passing very few cars. most people who visit the park, probably coming from the LA area, probably don't even make it to the southern end. which is a shame because we really enjoyed our first stop there, which was the cholla cactus grove.

suspended in the needles
we got out of the car, seeing other people for the first time since we'd entered the park. we wandered among the (ironically) soft-looking cacti, a kind that grows only in the southwestern US. we enjoyed noticing the details - variations in color, the little berry-like growths sprouting throughout, dead discolored branches hollowed out. all with a backdrop of blue skies and the hexie mountains beyond. opposite this mountain range is the pinto mountains - and there are a few other small ranges on the fringes of the park. even more significant, joshua tree marks the meeting point of two distinct desert ecosystems - the mojave and the colorado. undoubtedly this accounts for the unique wildlife in the area. we noted this on the informative brochure we'd gotten at the visitors' center, that included an illustration of the flora and fauna found in the park. we remarked how we never seemed to see any of the animals they list, even seemingly common ones like chipmunks.

what is this??
we kept on and in a little while we came to the first set of campsites. this meant bathrooms - the toilets had been out of order at the visitors' center for some reason. being remote and probably sparingly attended to, we were lucky to find a bathroom with a bit of toilet paper left. we wandered among the campsites and scrambled over rocks to get our first glimpses of the distinctive joshua trees, just small lone trees here and there. we also noticed some interesting vegatation - like this purple cactus i couldn't identify (despite my very cool app). after a bit of exploring we continued on in search of the start of our first hike.

i have to say, he's pretty well camouflaged
not long after we had passed the campsites, we spotted something darting across the road about 40 yards ahead of us. we sped up to try to see what it was and as soon as we reached the point where he'd left the road we pulled over. we had spotted what we later determined was a kit fox! i excitedly got out of the car and started following him, trying to make as little noise as possible. still, i was not as stealthy as i'd hoped. every few meters he'd stop and turn, looking to see what was out there (very handy for taking photos) and then continue on, speeding up when he heard my rustling in the brush. i followed him for quite a ways but never got closer to him than about 20 yards or so. it was so exciting just to actually see some animals that we didn't mind.

one of the bigger trees, along the roadside
about this point in the road was also where we started seeing some bigger and more interesting examples of the joshua trees. eventually we stopped at the destination of our first big hike, and the (sizable) parking lot was packed! we eventually found a spot and realized we should probably eat a little something before heading out. despite intending to be in the park all day, for some reason we hadn't planned on the eventuality of eating inside the park. luckily between the snacks from the farmers market, the roadside stand, and a few nibbles we had brought with us, we cobbled together a decent lunch. we had a bit of water with us and a somewhat flat fanta. with the chilly temperatures and not-too-strenuous walks that ended up being fine but of course if it were summer that would've been disastrous.

varieties of vegetation
we started out on the hike, hidden valley, which was quite crowded. first you went around a bit of a hill (or whatever we're calling these big collections of boulders) and from there it started on the one-mile loop. in the sun we were warm enough but in the shade it was pretty chilly, and we were glad to have our fleeces on. evidently this little valley once served as a hideaway for cattle rustlers. that didn't last long though because the grass ran out. now the area seems to be mostly populated by families hiking and rock climbers. it's probably ideal for newer rock climbers, since most of the cliffs aren't too high but they still present a challenge (i would imagine). the rock formations were striking and the joshua trees and various types of cacti punctuating the landscape made the hike that much more interesting. no wildlife sightings, just lots of people (many asian famlies, we noted).

abstraction by nature
after our first hike we had a bit of time to kill so we thought we'd pull over somewhere quiet and read a bit. we found a field dotted with joshua trees which was deserted except for one family testing out their drone (undoubtedly a christmas gift). after a bit of a rest we decided we had time to do one more quick hike before it would start to get dark. this time we tried the barker dam trail, which led to a small cattle tank build by early cattle ranchers. the views on this hike were slightly less interesting - more fields and fewer boulders - but we were glad to get a little more exercise.

golden not-quite-hour
by now the sun was just starting to go down and we knew soon it would be the golden hour. we'd passed an area earlier that looked like it would be good to see at twilight - big formations of boulders near an area called skull rock (you can guess why). sure enough, before long the sun sank down low enough and glowed gold on the boulders along the roads. it was lovely but fleeting. literally after we had parked, gotten out of the car, and crossed the road we had about 30 seconds of nice lighting before it started to dim. still, it seems like the way those rocks are meant to be seen.

last light
from here i knew the sunset wouldn't be long so we scoped out what we thought would be a good place to park the car and wait. we got away from the big mounds of boulders and found a place along the side of the road that i thought would have a nice variety of trees silhouetted against what i hoped would be a colorful sky. we were content to stay in the car and wait because with the sun down it was quickly getting very cold. to pass the time we read a bit and even played a game of travel yahtzee. i think the spot ended up working well because not only were the silhouettes great but we could see the last bits of sunlight hitting the faraway hills. (even better, i could get a picture of said hills from inside the car). eventually the sunset began and the sky changed lit up with oranges and pinks. instead of describing it i'll just show you a few of the photos:

last of the golden light fades behind the hills



cactus illuminated in pinks and blues

the sky turns a deeper pink
eventually the pinks fade to a bluish gray
i was so delighted at the beautiful sunset and the silhouettes and angles i was able to capture that i'm fairly certain i was grinning ear-to-ear and talking to myself as i ran around snapping photos. i didn't even mind the bitter cold (because although i was glad to have my fleece i failed to pack gloves for this trip) - although when i dragged myself back to the car i was glad to warm my numb fingers against the heat vents. i couldn't have asked for a better way to cap off our day in the park. (although i will say that the pictures of joshua trees against the starry night skies are gorgeous - but i imagine would also entail setting up overnight. so no thanks.)

we made our way out of the north side of the park and along the main road toward our next hotel. it was a sunday so several restaurants were closed. i scoured yelp as my mom drove, looking for a meal that would be decent and wouldn't take too long. yet again, we failed to find any mexican places of note (we figured we might as well wait for good mexican food, being in southern california) and other places we found were reported to have inordinately long wait times. so despite being fairly hungry we opted instead to make it all the way to yucca valley, our destination for the night. we found a little middle eastern place, joshua hookah lounge (oddly named since it neither felt like a lounge nor was the hookah prominent), and had delicious lentil soup and a platter with hummus, pita, and meats to share. after a cold day in the desert that warm hearty soup was exactly what we needed to close out our day.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

joa jao jaisalmer

i was barely back in bombay for two days before i was on the road again. (it seems to be my style of late, for better or worse. i miss you bombay, i really do.) this time it was a train to delhi and i traveled in style. rajdhani style. a fancy 3rd AC train ride (with meals) and i woke up after just 15 short hours in delhi once again.

a day well-spent at the surajkund craft mela (oops, didn't know there would be textiles. bye bye, rupees) and an evening with my friend's family. our other two travel companions arrived in the night (and i was rudely not awoken for midnight biryani. straight from hyderabad, i should add. humph!) and we were off early in the morning.

our destination was jaisalmer, for the 'desert festival', whatever that might entail. i had visions of the so-called camel dances of the pushkar fair in my head. i had been told variously that jaisalmer was 'beautiful, the golden city!' and 'completely over-hyped, with nothing there'. guess i figured i'd find out for myself. our route took us through bikaner, with plenty of stops for the essentials - chai, dhaba fare, and cigarettes (not for me, mom. don't worry) after we left the delhi radio stations behind we realized we had little in the way of musical entertainment, but we made do. (and when that got repetitive we bought some blank CDs for some variety.)

after a full day of driving we arrived in bikaner and managed to get a great price on a lovely haveli, thanks to our friend who the manager remembered from three years ago. our rooms had cushioned window seats, tvs, and room service. everything we needed. we even managed to catch (read: join in) the last bit of the rajasthani 'folk dance' in the restaurant.

snack time
the next day we were on a mission. do a little sightseeing, get some provisions, and get out of town. all of this somehow took us until 2pm. first it was a little jaunt to the 'rat temple'. yes, it's what it sounds like. you enter the temple and dozens and dozens of rats scurry past you towards the bits of food or giant bowls of milk. you try not to think of all the diseases you're probably walking through as you traverse the marble floor barefoot. certainly a unique experience though.

car snacks. must for any road trip
rooftop view
from there we headed back to jaisalmer. or so we thought. about 12 kilometers out we realized we were heading the wrong direction. once we turned ourselves around and got back into town we set out to accomplish our aims: the girls would acquire the all-important bikaner namkeen (they don't call it bikanerwala for nothing), and the boys were to get the proper dinner fixin's for the evening. hours later, we were in the car enjoying the fruits of our labor - snacking on namkeen as our chicken and paneer marinated in the trunk (the marinade, by the way, we prepared at a dhaba, and the local puppies were all too happy to have us.)

finally around 9:00 we arrived in jaisalmer. our hotel was supremely located with a gorgeous rooftop view of the fort. by night, fully illuminated, the sight is unbeatable. the hotel graciously let us use their rooftop space to cook. but man was it cold! we bundled ourselves as we waited impatiently for the coals to get hot or the whiskey to warm us up. we were rewarded with a delicious meal and some post-dinner dancing.

the next morning we took it slow as, frankly, there's not a lot to do in jaisalmer. we walked about the area outside the fort and spent a good deal of time at various leather shops. it was worth the time though, because we all walked away with something and got a pretty good price at that. next was lunch at a place recommended by our leather guy. dal bati churma and some other rajasthani dishes made for a good meal. from there it was into the fort. it's known as a 'living fort' because for some reason the government has decided to allow people to live and operate businesses inside the fort. this means that the fort is full of hotels, restaurants, and vendors as well as local families. it also means a lot of waste, both in and around the fort area. as my friend put it, 'it's not a living fort; it's a dying fort.' sad but true.

rippling and golden
that evening we drove out the 25 or so kilometers to the edge of the desert. we had made a deal for a camel ride package at one of the many resorts. we got there and mounted our camels (only 2 so we had to share) and walked about 1000 meters into the very beginning of the dunes. we could still see the road and the row of resorts. there, our guides let us down and told us that was it. unless, of course, we wanted to pay more to go to a nearby village. we were a little annoyed and declined, choosing instead to sit in the dunes, buy some overpriced snacks (because, yes, even in the desert there are peddlers), and wait for the sun to set. the dunes were nice, being sand dunes, but i guess i've been spoiled by the great expanses of the sahara i've seen in morocco and tunisia. it was enjoyable, but i wasn't blown away.

after sunset, we were hurried onto our camels for a quick, bumpy ride back to the resort. here we were seated on mattresses laid around a giant cement circle. we were served chai and snacks as the show began. rajasthani performers of various kinds.. music, dance, fire breathing and some balancing acts. it was entertaining, but not quite as much as the obscenely drunk man who insisted on butting in on every part of the show. why they didn't ask him to leave i'm not sure (but i suspect the amount of expensive drinks he was buying had something to do with it.) we declined the resort's expensive dinner option and headed back into town for another local-recommended place. this time non-veg and it was delicious!

the next morning it was up early for a breakfast of kachori near the fort and one last tool around the old town. then it was back on the road to jodhpur. there's just something about driving in india that's so wonderful. the roads we had in rajasthan were all great, and there was hardly anyone on them. it just feels very relaxed. and then the dhabas. well, you just can't compare that to a US rest stop. you just can't. even with several chai stops we arrived at jodhpur a little early so we stopped at a nearby lake for a quick boat ride. it's crazy to think that there are so many little attractions like this all over india. sometimes i just step back and think 'where am i?' and have to remind myself that i'm in the middle of one state or another in india. it's a good feeling.

and with that (and another stop for street food) i was on my way. my friends waited with me on the platform for the train and saw me off. they continued on the road to jaipur. and i rode the rails back to bombay, only to leave again after two days. (see what i meant?)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

pushing off to pushkar

well, we've arrived in november, which means i'm entering my third month here. it's funny, at home november is always my least favorite month. the sky gets bleak and gray, the weather turns from a crisp autumn chill to harsh winds and cold rains, and all those pretty leaves turn to brown crunchiness. in india, of course, i've had none of that. i have to say i've missed the fall - i've never really lived anywhere without one - the scenery, the pumpkins, the candy corn (thankfully i had some help on that front), but i can't say i miss the idea of long nights and winter coats. here, though, november is usually one of people's favorite months. monsoons and hot weather have more or less subsided and winter is setting in. now people can take leisurely walks in the evening or sit out on their terraces and read. it makes sense of course but still i'm always struck by this sort of climatic 180 - looking forward to winter rather than summer is so foreign to me. of course none of this applies much to mumbai, where it stays temperate to hot and humid year-round. maybe it's the hot, monotonous weather that was making me feel restless. whatever the reason, i was anxious for a change of pace and some new scenery.

so, with a hop, skip and a jump - or a plane, auto and a bus - i found myself in pushkar. after seeing the unabashedly jacked-up hotel prices and hearing warnings of overcrowding, i was surprised at being able to find a room the day before i arrived (seems to be how i generally plan my accommodations here..) but the hotel was close to the bus stop, within walking distance to everything (it's a tiny town), and i was able to haggle a good price on my room. so all was well.

offerings ready for the devout
i spent the first few hours wandering around the town by myself. it's your typical touristy little town. although it's an interesting mix of foreigners (there for pushkar fair and to experience general rajasthani glitz)/hippies (in a word, drugs) and hindu pilgrims (to take a dip down by the ghats or to visit one of very few brahma temples for prabodhini ekadashi, a long-named festival). this seems to result in lots of signs in hebrew and restaurants boasting pizza alongside vendors with flower malas and prasad. and of course all manners of typical rajasthani crafts - leather chappals, wide-eyed moustachio'ed puppets, and transparent dupattas lined with shimmering gold.

a sunset worthy of a holy destination
i meandered down to the lake, wandering through alleys with houses and down steps festooned with marigolds. the water is quite peaceful and lovely but the experience is somewhat spoiled by people constantly approaching you to put a flower in the water (no disrespect to the religious aspect but they way they accost tourists has become such a schtick, it feels almost smarmy somehow) or to scold you for taking pictures (of the sky? come on, man). to be fair, though, they do get an awful lot of tourists, many of whom are very disrespectful, i'm sure. and i did enjoy a particularly lovely sunset there.

camel with the desert-ed carnival
i was later joined by two other fulbrighters, an older german/now american(?) spouse of another scholar and a younger professor from new york (an odd couple to say the least). we explored the ghats in the morning light, walked through the familiar lanes of shops and made our way to the fairgrounds. first you wind your way through rows of horse and camel gear - ropes, bridles, bits and decorative flair - and then you arrive on the main street, lined with food vendors of all kinds and families with cookware or shoes laid out on blankets to sell. next comes the carnival portion of the grounds. a jungle of metal bars and dragon heads. i never saw any of the rides in motion, just a few men tinkering here and there. hard to tell if they were setting up or taking down. past this section, at last we see the animals. camels, horses and tents over the rolling dunes as far as the eye can see. some of the men are bringing the camels to the few water troughs, the more industrious ones have carts to tote people and are trolling for tourists to cart along, but most are tending to campfires or squatting near tents smoking beedis. i did see a few transactions going on too. the real pushkar fair. we wound our way through the rows of camels and horses, trying to avoid eye contact with all the various hawkers and dolled-up girls who try to give everyone mehndi (yes, even men). 

leading camels
eventually we made our way to the fairgrounds, a large open space bounded by ropes and seats. we claimed a spot in the shade and watched a rather unsettling pre-show act, a man who touted his children's abilities to contort themselves, shimmy to music, or walk a tightrope (the latter was rather impressive, the rest odd). then the 'main event' began. the main event of the prescribed tourist-approved activities that day being the 'camel dance'. we, and the hundreds of other gawkers, gathered around a tiny pen, leaving the bulk of the seating around the arena empty. not well thought out, this design. the festivities began with a dog jumping through a hoop that was subsequently set on fire. then the camels. each came out one by one, invariably led by a man who proceeded to run it in (very small) circles inside the pen and then performed various tricks. sometimes having the camel lie down and lying on top of it, other times standing up on its back. all the while the camels were making those horrendous noises and it seemed clear from the amount of fight they put up that they weren't too happy. the subsequent horse tricks were a little more palatable. but we left halfway through, tired of sitting cramped behind the biggest dreadlocks i've ever seen (literally) watching tethered animals.

pots for offerings
evidently the more authentic cultural activities began after a few days, coinciding with the religious festival. i spent my last night there eating momos (in india, where there are tourists, there are tibetan shops/restaurants) and practicing two language with jeevan, my new half-french, half-indian friend. (he splits his time between the countries - i've never been so jealous of a 3-year old) i did get a glimpse at the cultural festivities though. the next morning i was strolling around to catch some last glimpses in that beautiful morning light when all of a sudden i found myself in the middle of a procession, with marigolds flying from all directions. (this was all fun and festive until i got splashed with jalebi oil! my poor purple kurta is ruined) there were various 'floats' rolled along on trucks, people marching, drummers, and of course, tons of flowers. it was quite a sight.
the aftermath

while i wish i could (and probably should) have stayed longer in pushkar i was feeling restless and had a family to meet in ajmer by the end of the weekend. such is my life. always pushing off to somewhere.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

desert-ed

our main objective in coming to douz was to visit the desert. we left with our guide, zou, at about 2 in the afternoon, when the saharan sun was still high and bright. we took a van from the center of town to the outskirts where we met our camels. they were loaded up with our stuff, and then we jumped on ourselves. and when i say jump, i mean we hoisted ourselves over the layers of blankets and held on for dear life as the camel lurched forward and back. the extra joint in their leg makes the process rather interesting.

we continued on in pairs, with my camel at the lead. his name is amir, incidentally, which means king. we learned a bit about our camels during our two-hour trek. firstly, if left to their own devices, they will eat any vegetation in sight. secondly, camels have a very interesting mating practice. and apparently mating season is december-february. it consists of them sticking a big, lumpy tongue-like object out of their mouths and make a gross gurgling noise that sounds something like jabba the hut swallowing. no spitting, though.

the camel ride itself was rather uncomfortable but not altogether unpleasant. we were really enjoying the hot desert sun and exploring the terrain. once you leave civilization, the expanse of empty land is quite impressive. the white sand was different than the red sands of morocco.

when we arrived at our campsite, we were asked to gather brush and sticks for firewood. once our guides got the fire going we took it upon ourselves to play in the desert, walking around barefoot, jumping off dunes and making fun silhouettes when the sun went down.

once our dinner (couscous with vegetables and lamb) was prepared we gathered around the campfire for traditional (or maybe current top 40) tunisian songs accompanied by zou on the drum. once the stars came out we heard about the constellations over a dessert of oranges and tea. we ended the night with more songs and jokes until the moon came up and we were too tired to stay awake.

we retired to our tents, two people in each. the one that jasmine and i shared had a broken flap so we were instead given zou's paper-thin dress/shirt as a covering. even with our four thick blankets and my nice warm socks it was a long, cold night. we woke up several times, waiting for the sun to come up. this was not made any easier by the prospect of going to the bathroom out in the cold. "the sun comes up at about 5 right?" more like 7.30. it was the longest awaited sunrise of my life. wow.

when it was finally light outside we gathered around the fire and sat in a stupor, wrapped in our blankets. dazed and still cold, we watched as zou's partner (mufta?) stoked the fire and made delicious desert bread out of just flour, water and salt that he baked right in the sand under the hot embers. it was delicious and filling. after we had eaten our fill of sand bread (surprisingly sand-free) we remounted our camels and continued back to douz. our camels were lively, making plenty of disgusting noises (some of which i'm convinced lucas must have been inspired by).

it was quite an experience, and i think we were all glad we had done it. plus now whenever i have to do something i don't want to do, i tell myself, 'i peed in the desert; i can do anything.'